A teary CNY

Yes I teared once again…

It is still very vivid. When I came back fr Hangzhou last year, I dressed up in the white top and pink skirt which I bought in Hangzhou, thinking that I look really sweet with my rosy cheeks…I was so excited about seeing my grandma, I thought she looked really good and she was just holding my hands repeating herself over and over again…we took a nice photo together.

Within a twinkling, a year has past…but this year, my grandma came down looking tired…her eyes were watery and lifting her head up to look at us seemed like a chore…her feet swollen, the purple veins showing…and she didn’t even speak. I went up to her, and she looked at me with her beautiful hazel eyes for a few minutes…I looked at my grandma…I knew that she had to be a beauty 50 years ago…maybe 40…or even 30…but now…i’m not even sure if she knew who I was…so i can’t help but teared though I wanted to look happy and to wish her a happy new year.

Then i told my brother to wish her happy new year too. But he said something that troubled me.

“What’s the point? Of giving her well-wishes when we only visit once a year?”

I’m not sure if he saw my tears but I was sad…really sad.

He’s right, I am probably a hypocrite. Why should I bother feeling sad when I only visited my grandma once last year? When I was in Singapore the entire time, spending most of my time with my TV instead of my books…Why do I only remember her once a year? I am such an unfilial girl. I am so useless…in fact, it pained me to see her like that so I had wanted to leave earlier, on the pretext of letting her rest…when in fact, i just wanted to escape and hopefully forget.

HY was right to say that I’m an escapist. I really am. When there’s a problem I would choose not to face it…then pretend that it doesn’t exists and that it doesn’t bother me.

Why am I so useless???

And I somehow dunno why am I still rattling nonsense here when I don’t even think that anybody bothers to read…

why what how? my mind’s in a mess…why is it that I’ve never had enough confidence? why do i dislike myself so?

My mum found my P4 art portfolio last week. In my family tree, everyone was nice, kind, gentle, funny…but when I described myself…it was “not so nice, with a temper…”

I didn’t realise that I’ve thought of myself so lowly even in P4 already. My inferiority complex…the feeling of unworthiness…will it ever go away?

I’ve always wished to be someone nicer, someone prettier, someone slimmer, someone cleverer, someone better, someone funnier…

Do i NOT love myself or do i love myself too much?

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